Kelly's Bar Jokes

Slogans for National Condom Week

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, dress up your trouser mouse.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
Don't be a dick, cover your stick!
The right selection! Protect your erection!
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, no love!

Buckwheat attended the Million Man March and was motivated to convert to the Muslim faith. His new Muslim name is Kareem-A-Wheat.

Buckwheat is in class. The teacher says: "Buckwheat, please spell 'dictate' for me." Buckwheat says: "D-I-C-T-A-T-E". Teacher says: "Very good. Now please use it in a sentence." Buckwheat says: "O-tay. Mary, how does my dictate".

5 Things Wrong With The Penis!...

Has a hole in the head
Has a ring around the collar
Hangs out with a couple of nuts
Sleeps next to an asshole
When it gets excited it throws up and dies

THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of thestars and put it in your eyes?
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
Can I flirt with you?
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
So... How am I doin'?
How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
[Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell, the wife answers. " Hi is Tony home?" " No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over. " Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

THE BALLAD OF JOHN AND LORENA BOBBIT
(sing to the theme of the Beverly Hillbillies)

Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.

"Penis, that is,"
"Clean cut, missed his nuts"

Well the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car takin' "willie" for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she rounded the next bend.

"Curve that is"
"Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs"

She went to the cops an confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there,"
To John Waynes' "Henry" that was waving in the air.

"Found it that is"
"By a fence, evidence"

Now "Peter" and John coundn't stay apart too long,
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey, I can fix your severed dong!"
A needle and some thread is all you"re gonna need,
And the whole world waited 'till they heard that Johnny peed.

"Whizzed that is,"
"Even seam, straight stream"

Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a little cockeyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

"Video that is"
"Unexposed, CASE CLOSED"