Animal Jokes

What has four legs,an arm and a smile?
A happy pit-bull

What do call a chicken on the go?
Poultry in motion

One cow looked at another cow and asked Have you heard about the new mad cow disease going around.?
The other cow answered, What do I care? I'm a helicopter.

Why does a Chicken Coop have two doors?
Because if it has four doors it would be a Chicken Sedan!

What do elephants use for condoms?

How do you spot a modern spider?
He doesn't have a web, he has a website.

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
It's butt.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter what you call it... it's not gonna come anyway!

What is green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.

What happened to the cat ate a ball of wool?
She had mittens!

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla?
An animal that puts you out a night!

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.


A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!" The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" 

A blonde walks into a bar and the bar tender says the drinks are on the house. When the bar tender locks up, there is the blonde on the roof. He asks, "What are you doing up there?" She replies, "you told me the drinks were on the house." 

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.

Three blondes are hiking through the forest when they find some tracks. The first blonde says "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says "They're wolfs tracks." Then a train hits them. 

One day a blonde went horseback riding. After a few minutes she lost her balance and fell off. As she fell off, her foot got caught in the stirrup. She started screaming and yelling for someone to stop her horse! Finally, the manager of WAL-MART came out and unplugged it! 

Did you hear the one about the blonde fox that got stuck in a trap?
She chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
Look! They spelled macy's wrong!

A blonde walks into a library and says, “Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?" The librarian looks very confused and says, “Do you know that this is a library?!" The blonde says oh I'm sorry I didn't know." She then whispers, “Can I have a cheeseburger and fries?"
Submitted by Mike Rotch.

Why didnt the blonde's leggs know each other?
Because they never met.

A blonde and a brunette were walking along the road when the brunette says "Hey look a dead bird", so the blonde looks up and goes "Where?!?!". 

How do you make a blonde woman twice as smart?
Remove half her brain.

A sweet young thing gets to a soft drink machine just ahead of a businessman who wants to quench his thirst.

She opens her purse and puts in 50 cents, studies the buttons for a short time, pushes a Diet Coke selection and out comes a Diet Coke. She puts it on the counter by the machine.

Then she reaches into her purse again, takes out a dollar and inserts it in the machine. She examines the buttons carefully, then pushes the button for Coke Classic. Out comes a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately takes the change and puts it in the machine, studies the buttons for a moment and pushes the Mountain Dew button. Out pops a Mountain Dew.

As she is reaching into her purse again, the thirsty businessman says, "Excuse me, miss, but are you putting more money in?"

She looks at him and replies indignantly, "Well, duhhh. I'm still winning."

A blonde, a brunette and a red head are all in a swimming marathon. The style is the breast stroke and the brunette comes in first. She wins her prize and sees to all her fans when the re head comes swimming in. She too gets her prize and gets cheered on by the public.

A good few hours on and the blonde comes swimming in and the judges asked her why she was so slow and she replies, "well don't tell anyone but I saw the other two using their arms."

How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
She opens the door.

Why did the Blonde jump off the building?
She thought her maxi pad had wings.

Why do blondes like cars with sun-roofs?
More leg room.

What do you call a blonde with a dollar on top of her head?
All you can eat under a buck.

How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

What is the difference between a blonde and a penny?
A penny has more cents.

What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
Third grade.

What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

What do you call 2 Blondes?
Dual air bags.

What does a blonde say during a porno?
There I am!

Why can't blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone.

Did you hear about the blonde who died drinking milk?
The cow fell on her.

How can you tell if a blonde has been cutting the grass?
Your green WELCOME mat is ripped to shreds.

What do you call a blonde in college?
A visitor.

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a wire coat hanger. The girl with the hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath when her friend said anxiously, "hurry up! it's starting to rain and the top is down!" 

Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the clerk, "I want to buy that TV over there." He says in return, "I'm sorry, we don't sell stuff to blondes." The next day, she comes in with red hair and says, "I want to buy that TV over there." He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes." The next day, she comes in with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV over there." He says, "I'm sorry, we don't sell things to blondes." Frustrated, she says, "How do you know I’m a blonde?" He replies, "That's not a TV. It's a microwave."

What Do you call a blonde with half a brain?

I know a blond so stupid that she got locked in a bathroom and peeed in her pants!

Did you hear the one about the blonde who threw away all her old twenty dollar bills when the new ones came out?
She thought they weren't good anymore.

Three mothers were sitting having tea together. One was a Red head, one was a brunette, and the other was blonde. The red head said, " I was cleaning my daughters room today and I found a pack of cigarettes, I can't believe my daughter SMOKES! " The brunette said, " That's weird, I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day, and I found a bottle of beer, I can't believe she DRINKS! " The blonde said, " How strange, I was cleaning my daughters room the other day, and I found a condom, I can't believe she has a PENIS!

What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Goes home.

Three pregnant women at a poker party, come across the discussion of their baby's. All three women decide that they are confident enough to know what sex their baby's are after 5 months.

- The redhead stands up and says; "I know by the way I did it with my husband that we are having a boy."

The other two women seem convinced and congratulate her.

The Brunet stands up and tells the blonde, "I know by the way we did it that we're going to have a beautiful baby girl." The blonde and redhead congratulate the brunet.

It is here that the blonde stands up and says, " I know by the way we did it that we're going to have puppies."

Blonde jokes there were these three girls, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde. They were astronauts and were all debating on where they should fly. So the brunette says "lets go to the moon." then the red head said "that’s lame, lets go to mars" so the blonde say "no there like all dumb, lets go to the sun!” so the 2 other girls said "you cant go to the sun you’ll blow up or melt before you even get close!" so the blonde said "not if you go at night, duh" 


Hear I sit broken hearted Ran into shit And only Farted 

There was a girl who lusted after a man. She wanted him. He asked her out for a date. He was to come to pick her up at 7pm on Saturday. At 6 55pm she felt that she had to fart. She did not want to fart in the house because she knew that it would smell and she did not want to have the man think that she had a stinky house. The fart was balled up in her intestines. It hurt. She had to fart. She developed a quick plan. When he walked her to the car he would open her door. She would fart while he walked around the car to his door. She would open the car window and fan all of the 'offensive' gas out of the car before he got in. The man arrived at 7pm, walked her to the car and opened the door as planned. When she got in she farted, a very loud BRAAAAAAT. She opened the window and waved her hands to fan the smell out. She was comfortable. The man got in, indicated to the back seat and said, 'Oh, by the way, I want to introduce you to my parents. They are going to eat with us'. 

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them but they always had a very embarrassing and sometimes lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, 'she is such a sweet and gentle woman, she would never go for this kind of carrying on.' So he made the supreme sacrifice... he gave up his beloved beans. They were married shortly there after. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and it was his birthday. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had several miles to walk home. Being a little hungry, he stopped at a cafe. Before leaving the cafe, for his birthday, he treated himself to three large orders of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and upon arriving home, he felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat excited and agitated to see him and exclaimed 'Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!' She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold, until she returned, and ran off to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but was as ripe as rotten eggs. He took his napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air about him. Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming upon him. So, he shifted to the other leg and let go. This was a prize winner. While keeping his ear on the telephone conversation in the hall, he went on like this for ten minutes until he knew the phone call was ending. He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly to himself, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked; of course he assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was the surprise.... Twelve dinner guest seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.................. 

His kids had the old man in a rest home that was the best money could buy. He even had a pair of orderlies who stood by his side 24 hours a day. The kids came to visit him and noticed that the oldster would lean to the left and the orderly on that side would straighten him up. When he leaned to the right, that orderly straightened him up. This went on throughout their visit. In the course of the conversation, his son asked him how he liked the home. 'The home is fine' said Dad, 'but it is these two lummoxes that give me trouble'. 'How so?' asked the son. 'How so? every time I lean over to cut a fart, they won't let me!' 

One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date. While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him. So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly. The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her. Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady. Which way was it headed?" 

If I wanted to listen to an asshole I would have farted. 

What does one adolescent belch say to the other?
"Let's go out the back way and be stinkers."

A woman goes into the doctor's office and says, 'Doctor, you have to help me...I've got this problem: You see I can't stop farting. I fart all the time, only they are silent and don't stink. As a matter of fact, I've farted 20 times just now while talking to you'. The doctor fills out a prescription and tells the lady: 'here, take these and come back in a week'. So she leaves and a week later comes back to the doctors office. 'Doctor, doctor you must help me! Now things are worse. I'm still farting all the time, they are still silent but now they smell something awful. You must do something! What were those pills you gave me?' The doctor replied, 'Oh don't worry, those pills where just to fix your sinus condition, now we'll work on your hearing problem'. 

Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb. The American says, 'What are you doing?' The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With micro technology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.' The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.' 

A lady was going to the doctor when she felt hungry. She stopped at a cafe and ate some beans. Later she arrived at the doctor. She let one rip. Guess what kind of doctor it was. Proctology. 

"Doctor, I've had problems with silent gas emissions. At home, work, or at church I get lots of silent gas emissions. As a matter of fact I've had three sitting here talking to you. What are we going to do?" "The first thing we're going to do is check your hearing" 

A man was sitting on a plane reading a book. A few minutes later he ran up to the pilot and said, "Help! Help! I dropped my favorite book out of the plane! Can you please stop it?" "No, no, I am not stopping this plane for a book.", the pilot replied. Later another man ran up to the pilot and asked, "Can please land the plane? I dropped my lucky baseball." "No, I will not land the plane for a baseball!!!" A third man had dropped a grenade out of the plane. He quick ran up the the pilot and started yelling, "Stop, stop, I lost my gern-" "Alright, Alright!", he interrupts. "I will land the plane." When the pilot got out he saw two little boys crying. He asked them what was the matter, they replied something fell out of the sky and landed on them. One was a book and the other a baseball. A third boy came along and was laughing. The pilot asked, "What are you laughing about?" "I farted and my house blew up!" 

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.