Quotes of the Rich & Fame-Ass Quotes of the Rich & Fame-Ass

“There’s Adam Clymer, major-league asshole from the New York Times.” Cheney's response, “Oh yeah, he is, big time.”
— George W. Bush / Dick Cheney

"If you're gay or lesbian, it's a biological error that inhibits you from relating normally to the opposite sex."
— Dr. Laura

"We would not be here but for those people who gave their lives and very often gave their futures"
— Simon Bates

"He is in hospital suffering from a nervous breakdown, but no doubt he will soon be better and running around like a maniac"
— Simon Bates

"Apparently there is no truth in the fact that Sylvester Stallone's wife is a lesbian"
— Steve Wright

"The Rolling Stones suffered a great loss with the death of Ian Stewart, the man who had for so many years played piano quietly and silently with them on stage."
— Andy Peebles

"My second hit was a flop."
— Shakin' Stevens

"My shoes are size 2 and a 1/2, the same size as my feet"
— Elaine Page

"I've got 10 pairs of training shoes - one for every day of the week"
— Sam Fox

"I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door."
— Cher

"A week is a long time in politics, and three weeks is twice as long."
— Rosie Barnes

"If you put it on the table as a bargaining chip, it becomes a bargaining chip"
— Ronald Reagan

"These American horses know the fences like the back of their hands"
— Harvey Smith

"Did you write the words, or the lyrics?"
— Bruce Forsyth

"It's a one-to-one dialogue. You open your mouth and you're talking to 6 million people."
— Derek Jameson

"And he nipped them in the bud, right at the end"
— Bob Holness

"I wonder if we can speak through rose-tinted spectacles"
— Nick Ross

"So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?"
— Michael Barrymore

"Suffice to say this will be remembered as a season best forgotten"
— Terry Badoo, BBC1

"I think that a toilet roll with Father Christmas printed on it is really scraping the bottom"
— Interviewee on Woman's Hour

"And there's the Victoria Memorial, built as a memorial to Victoria."
— David Dimbleby

"It was here that V.S. Naipaul found his voice as a writer"
— Melvyn Bragg

"In Japan, I suppose, apples are small bananas compared to rice"
— Rhoda Sharp, Radio 5 Live

"Red squirrels... you don't see many of them since they became extinct"
— Michael Aspel, Radio 2

"Jersey's Crime Prevention Team are out and about, so have you locked up your property?"
— Roger Bara, Radio Jersey

"One possible compromise is to permit gays, but restrict them to the rear echelon"
— Radio 4 News

"It was completely quiet in the stadium - but noisy"
— John Humphreys

"And we journalists are taught to avoid cliches like the plague."
— Barry Norman

"He was dead before he hit the floor, and never regained consciousness"
— World In Action, ITV

"Eye witnesses were on the scene in minutes"
— Adam Boulton

"It's just gone 17 minutes past four. That's the time, by the way."
— Paul Jordan

"The champion has retired after 8 undefeated victories"
— Richard Whitely

"You seem to be a man who likes to keep his feet on the ground -- you sail a lot."
— Alan Titchmarsh, BBC1

"His brother failed; lets see if he can succeed and maintain the family tradition"
— David Coleman

"Direct mail - it falls out of every magazine you open these days"
— Derek Jameson

"What's nice about my dating life is that I don't have to leave my house. All I have to do is read the paper: I'm marrying Richard Gere, dating Daniel Day-Lewis, parading around with John F. Kennedy, Jr., and even Robert De Niro was in there for a day."
— Julia Roberts

"The first time I met [Sylvester Stallone], he had golf tees up his nose. So I figured we were going to be OK."
— Sandra Bullock

"I'm a salty, greasy girl. I give every french fry a fair chance. Could you just lay some lard in my belly?"
— Cameron Diaz

"I might have been through some changes, but changing the way I look wasn't one of the major ones. To be honest. I'm sick of the whole subject of my hair. I mean, are you just sitting there looking at my hair, or are you looking at me?"
— Jon Bon Jovi

"The key to any good relationship, on-screen and off, is communication, respect, and I guess you have to like the way the other person smells--and he smelled real nice." (on the subject of her on-screen chemistry with Keanu Reeves)
— Sandra Bullock

"I'm an old-fashioned guy. . . . I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something."
— Johnny Depp

"I wasn't always black . . . There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger."
— Bill Cosby

"Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass."
— Jim Carrey

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
— W.C. Fields

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all."
— Robert Orben

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police."
— Jeff Marder

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
— Jerry Seinfeld

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
— Rita Mae Brown

"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." "I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right."
— Rich Cook

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
— Mariah Carey

"The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."
— Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of variou

A nickel ain't worth a dime any more.
— Yogi Berra

Slump, I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting
— Yogi Berra

If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.
— Yogi Berra

You give 100% in the first half and if it's not enuf you give what's left in the second half.
— Yogi Berra

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
— Robin Williams

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
— Jon Stewart

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
— A. Whitney Brown

It wasn't hit terribly well.
— Bob Costas..after Knoblauch hit a ball in the ALCS playoffs

'Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night'
— Andy Warhol

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
— Pat Glenn (Weightlifting Commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
— Pat Glenn (Weightlifting Commentator)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
— Terry Venables

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
— Metro Radio

"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them......Oh my God, what have I just said?"
— USTV Commentator - Sandi

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
— Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
— Matt Lauer from NBC's Today Show.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."-Ex N.Y.C. mayor on faling to pay his taxes.
— David Dinkins

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." Um...yeah Brooke I'd say so.
— Brooke Shields

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Does this include your brain?
— Winston Bennett -Ex Kentucky basketball player

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
— Marion Barry - Ex Mayor Of Washington D.C.

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" Yeah, the nerve of some people!
— Marion Barry -Ex Washington D.C. Mayor

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's the people who make them unsafe."-If we could only have a city without people.
— Frank Rizzo -Ex Police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -Are you as confused as she was?
— Amie Beth Dickinson -Miss Alabama 1994

"I'm making an announcement: Not one penny will I give to AIDS anything as long as [public sex is allowed in gay bathhouses]. Not cent one. It's a preventable disease. If you don't want to prevent it, I don't want to pay for it."
— Dr. Laura

"In our industry John Blake is the kind of guy you either love or hate. I like him"
— Simon Bates

"Not only was Sue having a nervous breakdown, but she was having a tough time mentally too"
— Simon Bates

"And don't forget - on Sunday you can hear the 2-minute silence on Radio 1"
— Steve Wright

"I must declare an interest in this, and say that I know absolutely nothing at all about guns."
— Jimmy Young

"It's like learning to play golf. Just when you think you've cracked it, they move the goalposts"
— Adrian Love, Southern Counties Radio

"My life is so full of surprises, nothing surprises me any more."
— Kim Wilde, Classic-FM

"I've always been a bit more maturer than what I am."
— Samantha Fox

"People wonder why I go out with models with nothing between their heads"
— Simon le Bon

"I'm going to claim Northern credentials as well. I married a Manucunian man, so I'm Northern by penetration at least."
— Vanessa Phelps

"We spend weeks and hours every day preparing the Budget"
— Ronald Reagan

"I haven't committed a crime. what I did was fail to comply with the law."
— Mayor David Dinkins, NY

"We are now living in the age in which we live"
— Ann Burdis

"Most of the living legends I've been researching go back over centuries"
— Andrew Jones

"If we can just get young people to do the same as their fathers did, that is, wear condoms"
— Richard Branson

"This kind of thing has happened since Kingdom Come"
— Peter Lush

"Nigel and I hit it off like a horse on fire"
— Tony Britton

"Once he'd gone past the point of no return, there was no going back"
— Commentator, BBC1

"They've really got the bit between their legs now..."
— Bobby Ham, Pulse Sport

"Sean Pollock there, a carbon copy of his dad. Except he's a bit taller and he's got red hair"
— Trevor Bailey

"Marble Arch was outside the Palace, but now Marble Arch is at Marble Arch"
— David Dimbleby

"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint"
— Sid Waddell, Sky Sports

"It's not so much a thankless task, it's more a job with no thanks"
— Colin Baker, ITV

"Why do you think marriage is a bum deal, for you as a gay person?"
— Ann Leslie

"According to a survey 1 in 100 men wear the same hair each week"

"US planes have the capability to penetrate deep into Soviet soil."
— General Rogers

"For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow"
— David Frost

"Listen, Jerusalem wasn't built in a day."
— Robert Maxwell

"I was driving through Kent and literally went through bright blue sunshine"
— Mike Smith

"It's only when you get to the outskirts of the city that the slippery conditions really get a grip."
— Norman Rickard

"There's a lot of good older players around, but very few."
— David Carr

"At the finish, it was all over"
— Jim Watt

"So if you haven't set off for the centre yet, the best thing to do is to turn back and go home"
— Anne Nightingale

"Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word"
— Frank Bough

"You are a first generation American but your father wasn't"
— Alan Tentob

"Sometimes when I'm swimming, I think that maybe someday I'll put my red Speedo up for auction. Or maybe I'll donate it to the Smithsonian. They can stuff it with two plums and a gherkin and put it on display."
— David Duchovny

"I have these big piano-playing hands. I feel like I should be picking potatoes."
— Sandra Bullock

"I'm a video game addict. I could have written 15 more records in the amount of time I've spent playing Doom."
— Trent Renznor, Nine Inch Nails

"I drive with my knees. Otherwise, how can I put on my lipstick and talk on the phone?"
— Sharon Stone

"It's all happening too fast. I've got to put the brakes on or I'll smack into something."
— Mel Gibson

"I'd like to put on buckskins and a ponytail and go underwater with a reed, hiding from the Indians. . . . To me, that's sexy!"
— Kevin Costner

"I'm really white trash."
— George Clooney

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
— George Gobol.

"What's another word for thesaurus?"
— Steven Wright

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies."
— Adrienne Gusoff

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
— Dick Cavett

"Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."
— Rita Mae Brown

"I have all the answers, it's just that most of them aren't right."
— Rich Cook

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
— George Carlin

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
— Dan Quayle

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
— Chicago Rotary Club journal,

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia, 2001-11-07 00:00:00

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."
— Dan Quayle

"I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman."
— Dan Quayle

"This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States! "
— Dan Quayle

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
— Dan Quayle

As Henry VIII said to each of his three wives, " I won't keep you long."
— Ronald Reagan

I want you guys to pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle"
— Florida State football coach -Bill Peterson

"Alright you guys,line up alphabetically by your height"
— Florida State football coach -Bill Peterson

"Nobody goes to see ball games anymore because the ball parks have gotten too crowded!"
— Yogi Berra

"I was under medication when I made the decision to burn the tapes."
— Richard Nixon

"A verbal contract is not worth the paper it's written on."
— Lee Iacocca

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
— George Bush

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
— Colonel Gerald Wellman

"Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand."
— Football Coach-Duffy Daugherty

"Men, I want you to think of one word and one word only: Super Bowl." -
— Football Coach-Bill Peterson

"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
— Batman Costume warning label

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
— Alan Kay

This is exactly how the World Wide Web works: the HTML files are the pithy description on the paper tape, and your Web browser is Ronald Reagan.
— Neal Stephenson

But it's still okay to turn you modem sideways—creating a tower modem—to impress your dimwitted friends
— Scott Adams

Dial-up telephone modems are an abomination. They cram digital data packets through analog voice circuit switches--the worst of both worlds...even telephone modems, dumb as they are, know what they are doing is wrong. Just listen to their hissing and screeching every time we force them to do it.
— Bob Metcalfe

Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
— Linus Torvalds

I do not know the American gentleman, god forgive me for putting two such words together
— Charles Dickens

Stupid is as stupid does, sir!
— Tom Hanks as Forest Gump

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
— Will Rogers

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
— Redd Foxx

Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity
— Remy De Gourmant

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
— Brian Pickrell

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
— Frank Zappa

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
— Napoleon Bonaparte

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back."
— Al Bundy

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. "
— Woody Allen

"Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food - frequently there must be a beverage. "
— Woody Allen

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours"
— Yogi Berra

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is. "
— Yogi Berra

"In Yankee Stadium, it gets late early. "
— Yogi Berra

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it. "
— Yogi Berra

"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. "
— Yogi Berra

"We made too many wrong mistakes. "
— Yogi Berra

"A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. "
— Jack Benny

"Now that I’m gone, I tell you - Don’t smoke. Whatever you do, DON'T smoke"
— Yul Brynner

"When I am dead and buried, on my tombstone I would like to have it written - 'I have arrived'. Because when you feel that you have arrived, you are dead. "
— Yul Brynner

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. "
— Johnny Carson

"He does not preach what he practices till he has practiced what he preaches. "
— Confucius

"Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries. "
— Bill Cosby

"When you become senile, you won't know it. "
— Bill Cosby

"We all know the leopard can't change his stripes. "
— Al Gore

"During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet. "
— Al Gore

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. "
— Bob Hope

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in. "
— Bob Hope

If I didn't wake up, I would still be sleeping.
— Yogi Berra

How can you think and hit at the same time.
— Yogi Berra

Mantle's a swich hitter because he's amphibious.
— Yogi Berra

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
— Marilyn Pittman

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
— Garry Shandling

"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
— Michael McShane

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
— On Pesticides: Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on ch

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"Bitch set me up."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan.;I am in my third term.;Where's Reagan?;Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

The laws in this city are clearly racist.;All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
— M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC

The next time Newt Gingrich and Jesse Helms shake hands on the floor of the U.S. Congress, somebody ought to arrest them for violating the sodomy laws of the District of Columbia -- that law says its illegal for a prick to touch and asshole.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?
— Heidi Sandige

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.
— Excerpt from a letter, Illinois Department of Public Aid

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.
— Epicurus

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
— Woody Allen

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.
— W. Somerset Maugham

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
— Joe Louis

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
— Woody Allen

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
— Wil Shriner

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
— Cervantes

Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
— Anonymous

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt
— J. Heller

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
— Winston Churchill

I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street.
— Virginia Woolf

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
— Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying!
— Woody Allen

I wouldn't mind dying -- it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
— R. Geis

It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees
— Emiliano Zapata

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune
— Woody Allen

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens
— Woody Allen

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
— George Bernard Shaw

Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right.
— Anonymous

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so
— Bertrand Russell

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
— Woody Allen

What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life.
— Anonymous

Guide to understanding a net addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on Usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of Usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of Usenet.
— Anonymous

If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that Netnews is far more addictive than cocaine
— Rob Stamofli

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining
— Jeff Raskin

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
— Dennis Miller

A dollar saved is a quarter earned.
— John Ciardi

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
— Sydney Goff

For best results: wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron. For not so good results: drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack
— Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea)

Reporter: Did Don Mattingly exceed your expectations? Yogi Berra: No, but he did a lot better than I thought he would.
— Yogi Berra

"Well, he'll have to call a blacksmith," said Yogi Berra when he heard that Billy Martin had locked his keys in his car.
— Yogi Berra

My 6th grade teacher told us about this: When ordering pizza one day, Yogi was asked whether he'd like the pizza cut into fourths or eighths. He said to cut it into fourths, because he'd "never be able to eat an eighth!"
— Yogi Berra

When Yogi Berra was asked what gender a streaker was during one game, he replied "I don't know. Their face was covered by a bag."
— Yogi Berra

Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.
— Hillary Clinton, speaking at a Democratic fundraiser

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
— Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex...uh...setbacks"
— George Bush

" I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me"
— George Bush

" Now, like, I'm the president. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come in to the White House and start offering it up, you know?... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that. (Talking about drug abuse to a group of students)
— George Bush

"This is Pearl Harbor Day. 47 years ago to this very day, we were hit and hit hard at Pearl Harbor." - Bush addressing the American Legion in Louisville, Kentucky, on Sept 7, '88, 3 months off target
— George Bush

When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U.S. president Bill Clinton, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U.S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade." After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chretien's ear. Chretien immediately blurted "Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks!"
— Jean Chretien

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is a terrible thing for the Padres!"
— Padres radio announcer

When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U.S. president Bill Clinton, Canadian prime minister Jean Chretien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U.S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade." After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chretien's ear. Chretien immediately blurted "Oh drugs! I thought you said trucks!"
— Jean Chretien

When Electroluux first marketed their vacuum cleaners in the U.S., their slogan was, "Nothing sucks like an Electroluux!" Apparently, the Swedish-speaking people who created that slogan didn't know that in American slang, "suck" also means "to be bad".
— knowledge of American slang - Anonymous

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
— Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

A letter from the Iowa Department of Human Services said, "Your medical assistance is cancelled beginning 9/24/84 because of your death."
— Government

A sign at a railroad station saids: "Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted."
— unknown

When President Kennedy did a speech in Berlin, his ending line is "Ich bin ein Berliner." To German speakers, what that really means is "I am a jelly donut!"
— John F. Kennedy

Upon his drafting into the Dallas Mavericks, Mr. Kidd was quoted as saying "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees". Let's think about that, shall we?
— Jason Kidd (Dallas Mavericks)

During an either late January or early February edition of Larry King Live, he had Monica Lewinski on as a guest. They were discussing her weight loss through the Jenny Craig program. While her intentions were quite innocent, the following quote was quite funny. "I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."
— Monica Lewinski

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

" This is a great day for France!" --Said while attending Charles De Gaulle's Funeral.
— Richard Nixon

In a speech, when he was aiming to say "I have had great financial success" Ross Perot by mistake said "I have had great financial sex".
— Ross Perot

''Its good to be back here in the great state of chicago''
— Dan Quayle

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
— Dan Quayle

"If Ross Perot runs, that's good for us. If he doesn't run, it's good for us."
— Dan Quayle

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
— Dan Quayle

"Gerald Ford was a Communist." He meant to say "Congressman"
— Ronald Reagan , in a speech

"Facts are stupid things." He was misquoting John Adams, who in 1770 wrote "Facts are stubborn things."
— Ronald Reagan , addressing the Republican National Convention in 1988

"We are a grandmother".
— Margaret Thatcher's first public comment after it was revealed that her son

"you shouldn't stay here too long, or you'll turn slitty-eyed"
— Prince Philip Windsor talking to some British students in China

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
— President Gerald Ford

Don't cut off your nose yourself.
— Casey Stengel

Bruce Sutter has been around for awhile and he's pretty old. He's thirty-five years old. That will give you some idea of how old he is.
— Ron Fairley, Giants broadcaster

And what is more, I agree with everything I have just said.
— Piet Koornhoff, South African ambassador to the US

If I entered into an agreement with that man, I would be sticking my head in a moose.
— Samuel Goldwyn

I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
— John Wayne

Wherever I have gone in this country, I have found Americans
— Alf Landon, in a campaign speech while running against FDR

You're a parasite for sore eyes.
— Gregory Ratoff, actor/director

When it comes to ruining a painting, he's an artist.
— Samuel Goldwyn

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
— Danny Ozark, Phillies manager

We have only one person to blame, and that's each other.
— Barry Beck, New York Ranger, on who started a brawl

It will create an excitement that will sweep the country like wildflowers
— Samuel Goldwyn

This will start with a bang in Hollywood and degenerate throughout the whole world.
— Samuel Goldwyn

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.
— Ernest Bevin, British foreign minister

I'll tell you, it's Big Business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it's Big Business.
— Donald Trump

[I want to] make sure everybody who has a job wants a job.
— George Bush, during his 1st campaign for the presidency

Chickens, like two-edged swords, ofttimes come home to roost.
— Small town Wisconsin newspaper

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
— General William Westmoreland

This country needs a spear chucker, and I think we've got him up on this podium.
— Eugene Dorff, mayor of Kenosha, Wisconsin, introducing candidate Jesse Jack

This is the operative statement. The others are inoperative.
— Ron Ziegler, press secretary to President Richard Nixon

That was consciously ambiguous in the sense that any terrorist government or terrorist movement that is contemplating such actions I think knows clearly what we are speaking of.
— Secretary of State Alexander Haig

Why should Irishmen stand with their arms folded and their hands in their pockets when England called for aid?
— Sir Thomas Myles in Dublin, regarding the Boer War

I want to gain 1500 or 2000 yards, whichever comes first.
— George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back

If crime went down 100%, it would still be fifty times higher than it should be.
— D.C. Councilman John Bowman

If a third or more of our population were killed in an attack (a conservative estimate by the standards of the Rand Corporation's "Study of Nonmilitary Defense") a stronger estate tax would have a tremendous revenue potential.
— from a 1963 Federal Reserve System planning document

I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting ..." I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real-life heroes. And that's what we're doing ...
— David Hasselhoff, star of

I've been planted here to be a vessel for acting, you know what I mean?
— Actor Leonardo DiCaprio

"If you can't make the putts and can't get the man in from second on the bottom of the ninth, you're not going to win enough football games in this league, and that's the problem we had today."
— Sam Rutigliano, Cleveland Browns coach, on why his team lost

— Sign outside Mexico City's Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio

"Wish--To end all the killing in the world Hobbies--Hunting and fishing."
— From personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the s

"He's trying to take the decision out of the hands of twelve honest men and give it to 435 congressmen!"
— Representative Charles Vanik of Ohio

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history...this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
— Dan Quayle

"At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday...over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
— From Chicago Rotary Club journal,

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school department is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
— Philip Streifer, superintendent of schools, Barrington Rhode Island

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
— Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the hea

I know what I've told you I'm going to say, I'm going to say. And what else I say, well, I'll take some time to figure out, figure out all that.
— President George Bush

. I've got my faults, but living in the past isn't one of them. There's no future in it.
— Detroit Tigers manager Sparky Anderson

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
— ESPN commentator Bob Varsha, covering a Grand Prix race

Reporter: Did you visit the Parthenon during your trip to Greece? Shaquille O'Neal: I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.

Mr. Speaker, this bill is a phony with a capital F.
— Congressman during a heated congressional debate

Well, sir, I met you this morning, but you did not come; however, I'm determined to meet you tomorrow whether you come or not. (A Challenger to a man who didn't who up for a scheduled duel)
— reported by 19th-century British writer J.C. Percy

The first black president will be a politician who is black.
— L. Douglas Wilder, governor of Virginia

There is today in the United States as much forest as there was when Washington was at Valley Forge.
— President Ronald Reagan

I went in and said, "If I see one more gratuitous shot of a woman's body, I'm quitting ..." I think the show should be emotional story lines, morals, real-life heroes. And that's what we're doing ...
— David Hasselhoff, star of

Two lovers in the stands. He kisses her on the strikes, she kisses him on the balls
— Unknown Baseball announcer

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
— Bill Gates - 1981

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
— Harry Carpenter (BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing-but none of them serious."
— Alan Minter

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it-you can see it all over their faces."
— Ron Atkinson

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
— David Coleman (Montreal Olympics)

Humor Index