Jokes

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
90% of all statistics are made up.
"Bad knee, gotta run" - Pat Buchanan to his draft board
"Bother," said Pooh as the brakes went out!
Have you ever dated somebody because you were too lazy to commit suicide?
"I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly
I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV
"I'm not smart enough to lie" - Ronald Reagan
If I knew what I was doing...I'd be dangerous...
"If the shoe fits, buy it." Imelda Marcos
"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
'Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt
(((((This tagline in Stereo where available)))))
(c) Copywight 1995 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Four hours to bury a cat? Yup, it wouldn't keep still
"I'll be Bach." - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger
KARAOKE is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
If it ain't broke, fix it anyway just to screw it up!
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
EARTH is 98% full. Please delete anybody you can.
1200 bps used to seem so fast.
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
From my brain, an organ with a mind of it's own.
From the Department of Redundancy Dept.
A Smith & Wesson ALWAYS beats 4 Aces.
A big enough hammer fixes anything.
A bird in the hand can be messy.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A closed mind gathers no intelligence.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A day not wasted is a day wasted!
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A dirty book is rarely dusty.
A fool and his money rarely get together to start with.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
A friend in need is a pest indeed...
A friend: someone who likes you even after they know you.
A half moon is better than no moon at all.
A little greed can get you lots of stuff.
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
A living example of Artificial Intelligence.
A mind is a terrible thing to ugg.. I forgot..
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
A single fact can spoil a good argument.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Afraid of heights? Not me, I'm afraid of widths!
Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $1000.
All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
All the easy problems have been solved.
All you need to be a fisherman is patience and bait.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Alzheimers advantage: New friends every day.
An Elephant; A Mouse built to government specifications.
An egotist thinks he's in the groove when he's really in a rut.
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
An oyster is a fish built like a nut.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so.
Angels can fly because they take themselves so lightly.
Answers: $1 - Correct answers: $5 - Dumb looks: Free!
Antidisestablishmentarianism!
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most do.
Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anything worth doing, is worth doing for a profit.
Are we having Fahrvergnugen yet?
Armageddon means never having to say you're sorry.
Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As a matter of fact, no, I don't have a life.
As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
Bad breath is better than no breath.
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Best file compressor around: DEL *.* (100% compression!)
Beware of Geeks bearing gifs.
Beware of barking dogs that bite.
Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.
Bigamy : one wife too many. Monogamy : same thing
Black Holes are Out of Sight.
Black holes really suck...
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be dissapointed.
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bored? Drive the speed limit... in your garage.
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Bullets speak louder than reason.
Bumper sticker on a hearse: I'd rather be breathing.
Bungee Jumper? Catch you on the rebound.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Busier than a 1 legged man in an butt-kicking contest.
But I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!!
But honey, we can afford it, I sold your car!
But then again, I like cold toilet seats.
But what if I'm a figment of my OWN imagination?
Buy a supscription to Playboy and send it to your boss' wife.
By all means, let's not confuse ourselves with the facts!
CAUTION: rider may bail at any time.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
CONgress - Opposite of PROgress
California raisins murdered: Cereal Killer suspected.
Can I yell "movie" in a crowded firehouse?
Can you find the mispelled word in hear?
Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?
Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground.
Caution: Hungry Dieter May bite if provoked.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.
Chess players mate better.
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Christmas comes, but once a year is enough.
Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Civilization - biggest syntax error in history!
Clarvoiants meeting canceled due to unforseen events.
Clean mind, clean body: take your pick.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.
Clones are people two.
Closed Hearing for the Caption Impaired...
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar, you're gonna go far!
Committees keep minutes and lose hours.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer: a million morons working at the speed of light.
Computers All Wait at the Same Speed!
Condense soup, not books!
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.
Confusion not only reigns, it pours.
Constant change is here to stay.
Contentsmaysettleduringshipping.
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
Couldn't myself have better it said.
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Crime, Sex, Alcohol, Drugs...Boy do I love Congress
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
D.A.D.D. - Daddies Against Dirty Diapers
D.A.M. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
D.A.M.M - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
DANGER! Computer store ahead, hide wallet!
DIODE: What happens to people who don't die young.
DOS means never having to live hand-to-mouse.
DOS never says "EXCELLENT command or filename, Dude!"
DOS-O-MANIA : Reboot is not kicking your computer again.
DOWN WITH EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!
Daddy, what does "Formatting Drive C:" mean?
Dain Bramaged.
Dang this hobby is expensive!
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
Death is life's answer to the question 'Why?'
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death sneaks up on you as a windshield sneaks up on a bug.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
Detour: The roughest distance between two points.
Diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Did I just step on someone's toes again?
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it.
Difference between Jane Fonda & Bill Clinton? Jane went to Vietnam
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Dinner Not Ready...(A)bort (R)etry (P)izza
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Diplomacy is the ability to let someone else have your way.
Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
Disclaimer: All opinions are not really opinions.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?
Do I mind if you smoke? No. Do you mind if I FART?
Do fish get thirsty?
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Do steam rollers really roll steam?
Do unto others BEFORE they do unto you!
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Don't Take Life Seriously, It Is Not Permanent.
Don't ask me, I only work here.
Don't ask me, I'm making this up as I go!
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't blame me, I voted for Mickey Mouse.
Don't buy furs, it takes trees to make protest signs.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Experience is a good teacher but her fees are high...
Experience: a name everyone gives to his mistakes.
F.A.R.T....Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
FORD: The Heartbreak of today's Chevrolet!
Fact is solidified opinion.
Facts are stubborn things.
Fad: In one era and out the other
Famous last words - Don't worry, I can handle it.
Famous last words - You and what army?
Faster than a speeding ticket!
Fat person: Nutritional Overachiever
Feel lucky???? Update your software!
Fer sell cheep: IBM spel chekker. Wurks grate.
Fish and visitors stink in three days.
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
Floggings will continue until morale improves.
Folks who think they know it all bug those of us who do.
If you mess with something long enough it'll break.
If you must drink and drive, drive a Yugo!
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you say nothing, no one will repeat it.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you wish work poorly done, pay in advance.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fools rush in wherever lottery tickets are sold.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
For people who like peace and quiet: A phoneless cord!
For sale, Toilet-seat cover. Barely used.
Forget the Joneses...I can't keep up with the SIMPSONS!
Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
Free Nelson Mandela, while stocks last!
Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Friendly fire - ISN'T !
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friendship is one soul in two bodies.
Funny, only sensible people agree with me.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Gargle twice daily - see if your neck leaks.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Genealogy = A DNA square-dance in the Thighlight Zone
Get behind early so you have plenty of time to catch up.
Get the facts first - you can distort them later!
Gimme back my face! You're getting it ugly.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she's a ruler.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go shopping. Buy Stuff. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Going out of my mind, back in 5 minutes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good girls go to heaven...but bad girls go EVERYWHERE!!
Graduate Of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair styling.
Gravity brings me down.
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
Great minds travel in the same sewers.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
Guns don't kill people... death does.
Guns don't kill people..., I kill people!
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
Happiness is Earth in your rear view mirror.
Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm modem
Happiness is not a destination. It's the trip.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Have an adequate day.
Have cursor, will curse.
Have you seen Quasimoto? I have a hunch he's back!
He does the work of 3 Men...Moe, Larry & Curly
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who dies with the most access, wins.
He who dies with the most toys... is *still* DEAD!
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who hesitates is constipated.
He who laughs last is S-L-O-W.
He who lives by the sword laughs last.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Health food makes me sick.
Help fight continental drift.
Help stamp out mental illness, or I'll kill you!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Hi! I can't remember your name either.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Honeymoon: time between "I do" and "you'd better"
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Housework done properly, can kill you
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How do I set my laser printer for stun?
How do you know it's summer in Seattle? Rain's warm!
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? From a catalog!
How does one expect the unexpected?
How long is a short story?
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I Cayman went.
I Have To Stop Now, My Fingers Are Getting Hoarse!
I M a tru beleever in hour edukashun sistum.
I Still miss my ex-wife.....BUT, My aim is improving!
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
I am built for comfort, not speed!
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.
I am the girl-next-door's imaginary boyfriend.
I am. Therefore, I think. I think.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I bought a cordless extension cord.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
I can do without essentials but I must have my luxuries.
I can quit anytime I want; I just don't want to!
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks left!
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!
I could be arguing in my spare time.
I could have stuck with DOS, but NO.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
I didn't cheat, I just changed the Rules!
I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I don't care if I'm apathetic.
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't eat snails... I prefer FAST food!
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
I don't want the world, I just want your half.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.
I float like an anchor and sting like a moth.
I get mail........ I exist.
I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!
I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I hate to repeat gossip, so I'll only say this once.
I have a rock garden. 3 of them died last week.
I have a speech impediment... my foot.
I have already not made that point.
I haven't lost my mind, I know exactly where I left it.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I is a college student.
I just bought a cured ham. Wonder what it had?
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I know everything about everything, except that.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't do what I SAY, do what I mean!
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't just do something !!! Stand there !!!
Don't let school interfere with your education.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice!
Don't mess with Murphy.
Don't panic. Don't panic. Don't panic. ... ALL RIGHT, NOW PANIC
Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Don't speak now, and forever hold your peace.
Don't start with me. You know how I get.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure...
Don't try to saw sawdust.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Don't use no double negatives.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Drink wet cement, and get completely stoned.
Drive A: format failure, formatting C: instead...
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Dumb luck beats sound planning every time. Trust me.
EXPANSION SLOTS: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Eagles may soar but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines!
Eat Healthy, Exercise, and Die Anyway!
Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy.
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
Enjoy me, I may never pass this way again.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo?
Every man's work is a portrait of himself.
Every purchase has its price.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has photographic memory...some don't have film!
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everything in our favor was against us.
Everything that is not mandatory is forbidden.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I like to leave messages before the beep.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
I lost a button hole today.
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up.
I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
I owe, I owe, it's off to work I go.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person!
I saw, I came, I cleaned it up.
I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he's gone.
I think I strained a muscle I didn't know I had!
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I thought I was wrong but I was mistaken.
I tried being reasonable once. I didn't like it.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I used to spell badlie, but now I got worser.
I used to watch TV, then I bought a modem.
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off....
I will defend to your death my right to my opinion.
I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!
I wrote a few children's books, but not on purpose.
I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.
I'd love to, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to, but I prefer to remain an enigma.
I'd love to, but I think you want the OTHER Phillip.
I'd love to, but I'm trying to be less popular.
I'd love to, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to, but my patent is pending.
I'd love to, but none of my socks match.
I'll jump off that bridge when I come to it.
I'll tell you what's the matter! This parrot is dead!
I'm Not Schizophrenic, And Neither Am I.
I'm Serfectly Pober.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an absolute, off-the-wall fanatical moderate. <
I'm at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.
I'm dangerous when I know what I'm doing.
I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.
I'm in shape ... Rounds a shape isn't it?
I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not even going to ignore that.
I'm not fat just horizontally disproportionate.
I'm not loafing. I work so fast I'm always finished.
I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right!
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not real smart, but I can lift heavy things.
I'm not tense, just terribly alert.
I'm on the crest of a slump.
I'm out of sick days, so I'm calling in dead!
I'm so broke, I can't even pay attention.
I'm spending a year dead for tax purposes.
I'm too smart to let my intelligence go to my head.
I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I've had fun before. This isn't it.
IBM: It may be slow, but at least it's expensive.
IBM: you can buy better, but you can't pay more.
Ideas are not responsible for their followers!
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were two faced, would I wear this one?
If I were you, who'd be me?
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If at first we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.
If idiots could fly, this would be an airport.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it glows don't touch it!
If it has feelings, its not cooked enough!
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing.
If it walks out of your refrigerator, LET IT GO !!
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's not broke, let me take a crack at it.
If it's stupid and works, then it ain't stupid.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If the shoe fits, put it in your mouth.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be truth!
If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal.
If winning isn't important then why keep score?
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself!
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you hear an onion ring please answer it.
If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
Ignorance is temporary; stupid is forever.
Illiterate? Write for free help.
Imagery is All In The Mind.
Insanity is just a state of mind.