Jokes

• In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
• In case of fire, yell "FIRE!"
• In politics stupidity is not a handicap.
• In the land of the witless, the halfwit is king.
• In war there is no substitute for victory.
• Individualists of the world UNITE!
• Interchangeable parts won't.
• Internal combustion engines are the dinosaurs' revenge
• Interstellar Matter is a Gas.
• Invisible Systems, Inc. If you don't see it, we made it.
• Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?
• Is it possible to feel gruntled?
• Is there life before coffee?
• Is this a machine? I don't talk to machines! [Click]
• Is this the right room for an argument?
• It all looks the same if you're not the lead dog.
• It did what? Well, it's not supposed to do that.
• It doesn't work, but it looks pretty.
• It is always better to sacrifice your opponent's men.
• It is bad luck to be superstitious.
• It is fatal to live too long.
• It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
• It really bothers me when people cut me o...
• It works better if you plug it in.
• It's a fine line between fishing & standing still.
• It's a fine night to have an evening.
• It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
• It's a tough job! ..... So I'd Rather YOU do it.
• It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• It's best to leave quickly when you make noises like that...
• It's better to burn out than to fade away.
• It's easier to obtain forgiveness than permission.
• It's easy to be brave from a safe distance.
• It's hard to be serious when you're naked.
• It's like Deja Vu all over again...
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
• It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
• It's not pretty being easy.
• It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
• It's not the money I want, it's the stuff.
• It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money
• It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
• It's smart to pick your friends, but not your nose.
• Its a JOKE, like the funny kind but different.
• JFK: I need this motorcade like a hole in my head!
• Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
• Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
• Junk: stuff we throw away. Stuff: junk we keep.
• Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get me!
• Just don't tell the asylum you saw me here.
• Just how much leg have I got.
• Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand?
• Justice: A decision in your favor.
• Kamikaze Pilot Wanted: Experience necessary.
• Keyboard Not Found - Press [F1] to Continue.
• Killer Rabbit's Motto: "Lettuce Prey."
• Kilroy occupied these coordinates.
• Kleptomania: take something for it.
• Know what I hate? I hate rhetorical questions!
• Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
• Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Laughter: The shortest distance between two people.
• Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
• Lesser artists borrow. Great artists steal.
• Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it!
• Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
• Let's split up, we can do more damage that way.
• Life - brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
• Life is like a Car-wash and I'm on a bicycle.
• Life is only as long as you live it.
• Life is uncertain...eat dessert first!
• Life sucks, but Death swallows!
• Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
• Live before you die.
• Living poor is best left to those with no money.
• Locked coathanger in car. Good thing I had a key.
• Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
• Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
• M.A.D.D.: Midgets Against Desk Drawers.
• Make Headlines..use a corduroy pillow.
• Make like a Tom and Cruise.
• Make like a baby and head out.
• Make like a banana and split.
• Make like a drum and beat it!
• Make like a tree and leave.
• Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions.
• Man has his will. Woman has her won't!
• Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain.
• Man who get hit by car, get that run down feeling
• Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
• Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss balloon.
• May I please be excused? My Brain is full.
• May the Porsche be with you.
• May you live in interesting times.
• May your life be filled with experiences.
• Meditation is not what you Think.
• Megabyte: A nine course dinner.
• Memory is a thing we forget with.
• Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
• Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
• Modem: What landscapers do to dem lawns.
• Money is the root of all wealth.
• Must Go - My Rotweiler needs its teeth sharpened.
• My attention isn't hard to get. It IS hard to keep...
• My computer has a terminal illness.
• My couch potato routine is honed to perfection.
• My fallacies are more logical than your fallacies.
• My foolish parents taught me to read and write.
• My head is sore, and there's a hole in the brick wall!
• My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.
• My other computer is an abacus.
• NETWORK: What fishermen do when not fishing.
• NEWS! Iraqi head seeks arms.
• NEWS! Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers.
• NEWS! Survivor of siamese twins joins parents.
• NO! Taco Bell is NOT the Mexican Phone Company!
• Never argue with a woman when she's tired, or rested.
• Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
• Never eat anything bigger than your head.
• Never eat more than you can lift.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
• Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
• Never mind the facts - I know what I know.
• Never say, "Oops!"; always say, "Ah, interesting!"
• Never trust a man who can count to 1,023 on his fingers.
• Never trust a skinny cook.
• Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
• Nitrate: Lower than the day rate.
• No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
• Not many people realize just how well known I am.
• Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
• Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse.
• Now is the time for all good men to come to.
• Now that I've given up hope I feel much better.
• OPERATOR! Trace this call and tell me where I am.
• Of all the people I've met you're certainly one of them.
• Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
• Ok, I pulled the pin. Now what? Where are you going?
• Old age is better than the alternative.
• On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7.
• On an electrician's truck: Let Us Remove Your Shorts.
• One atom bomb can really ruin your day.
• One good turn gets most of the blanket.
• One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
• One way to better your lot is to do a lot better.
• One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
• Only cosmetologists give make-up exams.
• Only the winners decide what were war crimes.
• Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
• Paranoia is heightened awareness.
• Pardon my driving, I'm trying to reload.
• People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care.
• Pet Store: "Buy one, get one flea."
• Petroleum and coffee had no value a few centuries ago.
• Pizza IS the four food groups!
• Plasma is another matter.
• Please Tell Me if you Don't Get This Message.
• Poets go from bad to verse.
• Pound forehead on keyboard to continue.
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
• Press any key...NO, NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE!!!!!!
• Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
• Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday.
• Program too small to fit into memory.
• Programming is an art form that fights back.
• Prosecutors will be violated.
• Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
• Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
• Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something.
• Quasimodo is a dead ringer.
• Radioactive halibut will make fission chips.
• Random order = oxymoron.
• Rap music = oxymoron.
• Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
• Red ship crashes into blue ship - sailors marooned.
• Reduce Carbon Dioxide emmissions - STOP Breathing.
• Redundancy: A Politician with an airbag in his car.
• Remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
• Remember, If you're not in bed by 10:30..... go home!
• Remember, Subaru spelled backwards is U-R-A-BUS.
• Reputation: what others are not thinking about you.
• Road Kill Cafe: You kill 'em, we grill 'em.
• Rotisserie: a ferris wheel for chickens.
• Round up the usual suspects!
• Rubber bands have snappy endings!
• Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
• SCUD : Sure Could Use Directions
• STICK: A boomerang that doesn't work.
• STUPIDITY is NOT a HANDICAP! Park elsewhere!
• Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
• Save energy: be apathetic.
• Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes!
• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• Science asks why. I ask why not.
• Scientists discover life causes cancer.
• See how you can be?
• Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• Shoplifters with the runs take Clepto Bismol.
• Should I weed the lawn or say it's a garden?
• Sign on Closed Nuclear Power Plant... "Gone Fission"
• Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
• Simon says: don't be so suggestible.
• Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Smile... people will wonder what you've been up to.
• Smiley faces were meant to be annoying.
• Smokey the Bear says, "Strip mining prevents forest fires!"
• Smoking cures weight problems...eventually.
• Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
• So many pedestrians, so little time.
• Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
• Some days, nothing goes left.
• Some things have got to be believed to be seen.
• Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
• Something is rotten in the state of confusion.
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
• Speaking only for myself, one of my many tricks.
• Spice is the variety of life.
• Standing there making a sitting target of himself.
• Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
• Sumo Wrestling: survival of the fattest.
• Supernovae are a Blast.
• Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
• Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
• THE GOLDEN RULE: He who has the gold makes the rules.
• TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
• Tact: knowing how far to go too far.
• Take two crows and caw me in the morning.
• Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
• That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
• That's inches away from being millimeter perfect.
• The Lab called,..... Your brain is ready!
• The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest.
• The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
• The best defense against logic is stupidity.
• The best defense is to stay out of range.
• The best way to win an argument is to be right.
• The buck doesn't even slow down here!
• The cause of problems are solutions!
• The cost of feathers has risen... Now even DOWN is up!
• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
• The cream rises to the top. So does the scum.
• The days of the digital watch are numbered.
• The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
• The fish that escaped is the big one.
• The further I go, the behinder I get.
• The future isn't what it used to be.
• The hangman let us down.
• The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you.
• The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
• The pen is mightier than the pencil.
• The penalty for bigamy is having two mothers-in-law.
• The pendulum has gone full circle.
• The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
• The road to success is always under construction.
• The score didn't really reflect the outcome.
• The simple explanation always follows the complex solution.
• The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
• The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
• The whole world is about three drinks behind.
• The worst thing about censorship is **************************.
• The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
• There are 2 ways to handle women and I know neither.
• There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
• There is an exception to every rule, except this one.
• There is no dark side of the moon. Really.
• There is no remedy for fun but more fun!
• There is something to be said about me: "Wow!!"
• There will be no last bus tonight.
• There's no such thing as a free lunch, but you can always find someone willing to treat.
• They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!
• Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?
• This line intentionally left unjustified.
• This mind intentionally left blank.
• This program makes me look like a genius.
• This sentence is false.
• This line was created from many little letters.
• This line was reclaimed and is not yet stolen.
• Those without heads do not need hats.
• Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
• Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
• Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
• Tis better to have loved a short than to never have loved a tall.
• To err is human. To really screw up it takes a computer.
• To err is human. To blame someone else is politics.
• To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
• Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
• Todays subliminal message is " "
• Tolkien is hobbit-forming.
• Too much is never enough.
• Too much month at the end of the money.
• Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
• Touch if you must, Pay up if you bust.
• Toys are made in heaven, batteries are made in hell.
• Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
• Tried to play my shoehorn... all I got was footnotes!
• Truck Pulls: for people who cannot understand the WWF.
• Truth is just another misconception.
• Tubby or not tubby, fat is the question!
• Turn right here. No! No! The OTHER right!
• Two Wrongs Don't Make A Right, But Three Lefts Do.
• Two heads are more numerous than one.
• Tire Shop sign - We Skid You Not.
• Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
• Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!
• Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa bill.
• Users, losers -- what's the difference?
• Using yesterday's technology to solve today's problems, tomorrow.
• WARNING ... drinking tap water can kill your thirst!
• WYGIWYD -What you got is what you deserved.
• WYTYSYDG-What you thought you saw, you didn't get.
• Want a stupid answer? Ask me anything!
• War News: Saddam's army blown away by Thai hookers.
• Warning: Politicians can damage your wealth.
• Was today really Necessary?
• Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
• Wasting time is an important part of living.
• We are the people our parents warned us about
• We have here the latest in primitive technology.
• We should limit congressmen to two terms: one in Congress, one in prison.
• We take drugs very seriously at my house.
• We were unanimous - in fact everyone was unanimous.
• We're lost, but we're making good time.
• We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
• Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
• What can you do for me?
• What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
• What do batteries run on?
• What does ignorant mean?
• What does this red button do?
• What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
• What goes up has probably been doused with petrol.
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
• What's Irish and stays out all night? Paddy O'Furniture.
• What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
• What's brown and sticky? A stick!
• When 911 won't work, a .357 will!
• When in doubt, think.
• Where does weight go when you lose it?
• Who cares who's on board?
• Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
• Why can't we just spell it orderves?
• Why do they tell us to watch "The Today Show" tomorrow?
• Why do we elect people and then become afraid of them?
• Why do we read left to right yet turn pages right to left?
• Why does it matter if we all put our pants on one leg at a time?
• Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
• Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?
• Why get even, when you can get odd?
• Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• Will the sound of one hand clapping still turn off my TV?
• Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
• Without Time, everything would happen at once.
• Women - can't live with 'em and no resale value.
• Women do come with instructions; ask them.
• Women get minks the same way minks get minks.
• Work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
• World ends today at 9:30 pm! Film at 11:00.
• Worry : The interest paid on trouble before it's due.
• Would I ask you a rhetorical question?
• You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
• You can't have everything...where would you put it?
• You've got to be trusted by the people that you lie to.
• Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
• Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.
• [If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
• What's another word for "thesaurus"?
• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child...eventually.
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says, "Here, you can go."
• I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?
• A bratwerst walks into a bar and the barman says sorry we dont serve food in here.
• "I have bad luck with doctors. The last one I went to wrote me a prescription. It was for cigarettes!
• He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."
• One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
• The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
• "I used to live for sex, Now I'd die for some"