THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS
- CLEVER This is when you suddenly become an
expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know
everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course,
the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.
Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVE This is when you realize
that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that
everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing
that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind
that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person About
any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become
the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire
bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets
at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so,
naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn't matter how much
you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for
everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the
most ATTRACTIVE person present.
Stage 4 - INVINCIBLE You are now ready to pick
fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you
have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now
INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of
the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
strength. You have No fear of losing this battle, because as well
as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you're RICH and you're more
ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the final stage of
drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are
now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who
you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You
are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because
no one can see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you
know all the words.
THE FIVE STAGES OF SOBERING UP
Stage 1 - STUPID Headache, the churning stomach
and the cold sweats, you realize that you have lost not only
several hours of your life but also the ability to concentrate on
anything whatsoever. You are now STUPID and will remain so for a
minimum of 12 hours.
Stage 2 - UGLY Never entirely happy with the
effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to
discover that you have now become even UGLIER than you previously
thought possible. Not only do you have bloodshot eyes and a
glorious collection of Spots, but you are shaking so much that
your grandfather probably looks healthier. Unfortunately you are
still too STUPID to know better than to try and shave whilst
Stage 3 - POOR Having crawled out of bed and got
dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover
that the money that was lent to last you the week is now missing
from your wallet. Being STUPID, you have no idea what happened to
it but the traces of curry on your clothes allow the possibility
that you might have treated everyone to a takeaway at some point.
Alternatively, your pocket could have been picked or you might
have given the taxi driver a fifty dollar note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that STUPID and
that you would remember being robbed, you come to believe that you
were the only one who bought any food or drinks all night and
start to loathe all your friends.
Stage 4 - FRAGILE As you are now STUPID, UGLY and
POOR, your consequently FRAGILE self-esteem plummets. Your already
FRAGILE physical condition ensures that you feel liable to shatter
if anyone even speaks to you.
Stage 5 - CONSPICUOUS This is the final stage of sobering up.
Unfortunately, everyone can spot this CONSPICUOUS condition and
its cause from a great distance. Even worse, they know that they
can complete your Misery by making fun of you, and that you are
too STUPID to retaliate, too FRAGILE to hit them, too POOR to
bribe them and too UGLY to hide!
Due to increasing products liability
litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's
suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately
on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
like a giraffe in heat.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak you tink you can tipe