I had to come in to work early this morning but I went to bed late, when I arrived a few of the ladies looked at me and one said I looked tired, so I told them I went to bed late, another one said “ well I can’t help you with going to bed late but I can help get you up in the morning”. I quickly responded “I don’t need help getting up in the morning, that comes naturally, you’re trying to make things hard for me, I can do that by myself” and walked away…..
I'm still wondering if they got it!

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
THEN POOF!....she was gone.
After Dave got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred.
"Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Dave yells back...."DON'T SWING, FRED!!! For the love of God,
DON'T SWING!!!"

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

A BLONDE and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.
The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."
The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"
The brunette says:" Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."
The blonde asks:" Why, don't you have a vase?"

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer (also a blonde). The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

One day this cop pulls over a blonde for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the blonde for her license.
''You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

For Sale: Set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f#*#ing everything

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a copper writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a bloke a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse f*cker. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!
This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a shit, my car was parked around the corner...

Kamasutra Kamikaze:
Definition:  Willing to try every  position in one night or die trying.

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now we have proof that explains why this is true:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.
As every engineer knows, Work/Time = Power.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we have:
Work/Money = Knowledge.
Solving for Money we get: Work/Knowledge = Money.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the More you Make.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand-new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing Funeral Home on Monday, the 12th. Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.


Dear Fred, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son....
Dear Dad, For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES. Love, Fred
At 4:00 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Fred

Quotes:
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
"I may be drunk madam, but in the morning I will be sober, and you will be just as ugly."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
"She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people."
 "There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it." -
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"Don't be humble...you're not that great."
"A little emasculated mass of inanity." -
"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."
"The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech."
"I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion."
"His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere." -
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." - Mark Twain
"Had double chins all the way down to his stomach." - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." - Oscar Wilde
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow." - Franklin K. Dane
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed keeping rabbits." - Edith Sitwell

There was a man who had worked all of his life, saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When the services were over, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she went over to the casket with the box and put it in. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Some elementary school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th Century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A vibration is a motion that can't make up it's mind which way it wants to go.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted." There was another sign below it that said "self service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.
I got a dog and named him "Stay." Now, I go "Come here, Stay!" After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I have a map of the United States, life size. One mile equals one mile. It's a ***** to fold it.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said, they were behind the couch. She was right.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Ukrainian Driver's License Test
A Ukrainian immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license.
He has to take an eye test. The clerk shows him a card with the letters:
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asks.
"Read it?" the Ukrainian replies, "I know the guy."

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Why do we wash BATH towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Why is it that when you're walking up the stairs and you get to the top you always think there's still one more step?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why is it that inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the heck happened?

Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
Shouldn't all married men forget their mistakes? After all there's no sense in two people remembering the same things right?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Mouse blamed for car crash
Nagel — A mouse was blamed for a two-car accident in southern Germany — after having crawled up a motorist's trousers.
As the rodent squirmed up his inside thigh, the driver slammed on the brakes, causing a rear-end collision with a car driven by a female motorist.
When the woman got out to give him a piece of her mind, the man opened his trousers and hauled out the wriggling mouse, according to a police spokesperson.

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth-running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said; "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery…
And Satan created HMOs.

Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECK-OUT TIME IS 18.

On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was ... surrounded by trees and bushes.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with GUESS on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age ... especially if you take them while driving.

I don't approve of political jokes; I've seen too many of them get elected.

I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.

Travel is very educational: I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him,"I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too." And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry, "Said the doctor. "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
 "It's swollen," Fred replied

That viagra is funny stuff. You have to swallow it quickly or you get a stiff neck

What's the difference between a woman coming out of a church and a woman coming out of a bath ?
Well, One has HOPE in her SOUL - And the other has SOAP in her HOLE !

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children ?
Ask your mother !

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his arse. He says,
"How'd you get a cork in your arse?".
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out, he said 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant you one wish', Then I said, 'No shit!'"

Corporate America:
After a two -year long study, The National Science Foundation announced the following results on Corporate America's recreational preferences.

1. The sport of choice for male unemployed or incarcerated people is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for male maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for male front-line workers is FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for male supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for male middle management is TENNIS
6. The sport of choice for male corporate officers is GOLF.

Conclusion:
The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become...

A burglar breaks into this house and he comes into a room with no lights on. He walks into the middle of the room and he suddenly here's this voice "Jesus is watching you" he turns round and in a dark corner of the room he sees a parrot and so he goes across to it. The parrot says again "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks at the parrot funnily and then asks, "What's your name?" to which the parrot replied "Clarence" The burglar then says, "That's a stupid name for a parrot, which idiot called you that?" The parrot replied, "The same idiot that called the rotweiler JESUS"

A man walked into a pub one night, strolled over to the bar and asked for a pint of beer. The barman quickly pulled him a pint and asked for a penny.
“One penny?!” said the man, shocked. “A penny for the beer?!”
“That’s right,” replied the barman, “just one penny.”
The man thought this was unbelievable, so to test the bar prices, he ordered a steak with chips, peas and a salad.
“Certainly sir,” came the barman’s reply, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much,” asked the man.
The barman thought for a moment, “Fifty pence,” he said.
“Fifty pence?!” the man shouted. “Where's the bloke who owns this place?”
Pointing upwards, the barman said, “Upstairs with my wife.”
“Oh,” continued the man, “well what's he doing up there with her?”
A look of satisfaction crossed the barman’s face before he said, “Same as what I'm doing down here to his business.”